I’ve been on a little blog hiatus. To be honest the last few months have been mentally exhausting. Some days it has taken everything in me just to get out of bed and do the daily things (making sure the kids are taken care of) as a result I have been a crappy friend and wife. Trying to explain what my form of depression is like to others is like trying to describe a kiss to someone who has never experienced it. Impossible. Some days I feel almost normal, I can do things without having to force myself too much, but then other days it’s like I’ve fallen into a hole and climbing out takes all my energy. Some days getting out of bed seems like a daunting task, never mind actually going out into the world. I’m lucky to have the friends and family that I do, people who care for me, who understand that my depression and anxiety isn’t everything I am, it’s just one part of who I am.
I read all these mommy blogs, the pinterest moms, the traveling moms, the moms who seem to have it all together and I wonder if I’ll ever get there. Because right now not only do I not have it all together, it’s unravelled and all over. I fight the storm going on in my own head, clouding my thoughts.
I know this was different from the usual stuff that I post, but I feel like people don’t talk enough about their mental health and sometimes we need to have an open discussion about it.
Don’t worry, I’ve spoken with my caregiver and I’m on the right track to getting myself back. It may take time, baby steps, but I’m going the right direction now and that’s all that matters.
“Mom, what’s palliative care?”
When my 15 year old said those words last week my heart stopped in my throat. A few years ago he made friends with an older man, J, in the neighbourhood who he had come to adore. We often joked that our son had adopted a grandfather, though that joke was pretty close to reality. These last few months J’s health had been declining. He’d had many hospital stays and we knew it was probably a matter of time, so when my 15 year old asked me I knew where the conversation was going and I was heartbroken.
I’ve spent the last week either taking care of sick kids or being sick myself. In that time I didn’t have much time for things like blogging (or anything, really) but that gave me time to reflect. & some of those reflections were on my blog. I love blogging even though sometimes it feels like I’m talking to myself out here, but I find that I’m doing the same old boring things. I think I’m ready to step out of my comfort zone. I have occasionally posted some personal things, but I tend to play it safe. I think I need more of those personal touches. I’m not ready, but who ever is? Get ready for the real, raw, hot-mess mom moments.
This week has been brutal. I spent Valentine’s night (AKA my husband’s birthday) with a sick, pukey toddler, and that was just the highlight of the week. The bug made it’s way through the house leaving no one behind. In a family of 7 that means over a week of dealing with someone puking. We did manage to have a sick-free day on Saturday where Hubby and I could catch lunch and a movie (date days/nights are still important!) the next day I woke up feeling like death. Lady Girl and I spent the day curled up together sleeping and watching netflix. I lived off of apple juice and applesauce for a couple of days, and it definitely left me hangry. Today I have no energy and my house looks like a tornado hit it after there was a war waged here and I’m too tired to really do anything other than be grumpy about it. Thankfully Hubby’s a better cook than he is a domestic engineer so my kids had home made meals and not take out for three days.
The one good thing about being sick is it seems to have helped me curb my pop addiction, something I’ve struggled with lately (by lately I mean always) , and now I’ve had a few sips of it here and there but I don’t crave it like before. I guess that’s the silver lining of being sick, right?
Like I said last week, things have been hard lately. Finding the things to be thankful for in those moments can be trying, but then I realize that I have a great support system. This week I’m especially thankful for Hubby. He is my rock during these times.
Today has been hard.
It’s been 7 years since I joined the club. The one no one wants to join even though we all know it’s inevitable. I just hadn’t been prepared to join it as early as I did. Having me young meant I should have had years before losing my mom. Before becoming part of the motherless daughter club. Instead she left this world shortly after I had my first daughter. Yes, I’m grateful she got to know my boys, but now I’m also raising two girls without the guidance off a mother. I wish she had gotten to see the kids growing up. She’d love the different personalities they have.
As hard as today is I still have something to be thankful for. Today, I’m thankful for the time I had with her. For the memories I have. For those close to me who listened to me go on and on about my mom today, for those who kept me in their thoughts and sent me positive energy/prayers. For those who helped me get to her funeral when I never thought I’d make it.