Depression Is A Fickle B

Hey strangers!

I’ve been on a little blog hiatus. To be honest the last few months have been mentally exhausting.  Some days it has taken everything in me just to get out of bed and do the daily things (making sure the kids are taken care of)  as a result I have been a crappy blogger. 

Things are starting to come around though! 🙂 

Let’s Talk

Reviving this from the archives because it’s important! 
(Original post dated Jan 27th 2016)

Today is Bell’s “Bell Let’s Talk” day. The day where Bell donates 5⊄ for every tweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk, for every view their official fb video gets (right here)  and for every text and call sent from a Bell mobile phone, or long distance call from a landline. They do this every year, and honestly it’s one of my favourite days.
Sure, it’s slactivism, but you know what happens on BellLetsTalk day?
People start to talk. They talk about mental health on twitter, on fb, on their blogs. They talk about their mental health &  how mental illness has affected them.

Did you know 20 % of Canadians experience mental illness in their lifetime?

I’m one of them.

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I’ve been in rut lately, in real life and with my blog/social media sites.  
I don’t even really have a reason.  I’m pretty sure it’s just that time of year. 
While I love autumn this time of year wrecks havoc on my moods. I’m sure those of you that deal with any sort of depression understand exactly what I mean.  I’m ready to get out of the rut though. To start feeling like me again. To get out and enjoy the beauty of the season before we’re hit with a billion feet of snow and we have to activate hibernation mode. 
If you’re still following along here thanks for sticking around! I want to say it won’t happen again but I’m sure it will. Life with mental health means dealing with slumps like this. 762333

Today Was A Struggle

Today has been a struggle. I knew it was going to be when I woke up. That feeling that creeps over you when you’re depressed is one you can’t describe. It’s like the earth pulls you down, every movement you take is forced, draining your energy until you feel like you can’t do it anymore and you break down. Today I cried for no reason while my husband was out running errands with our toddler. I didn’t have the energy to clean up, or to even look at the mess. I didn’t have energy to even exist today. 

But I did. I got out of bed, I cleaned up the important stuff (dishes) and left the other stuff until hubby could get home and help (because what’s the harm in that?) 
Today I continued even though my depression tried to stop me. 
I didn’t laugh in it’s face, I didn’t pull out of it or even through it. In fact it’s still lingering, but today I faced it, and survived. 

Today was a struggle, but I got through it.

I didn’t post this for a pat on the back. I posted because I know there are many others out there who struggled today. Maybe you were able to get through it, maybe you stayed in bed all day. Maybe it’s been many days of bad days. I won’t say they’ll get better because I know you don’t need to hear that again. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

Comedy is acting out optimism (RIP Robin Williams)

So by now everyone knows about Robin Williams. Unless they live under a rock and have no access to social media, radio or television.

The news is reporting it was an apparent suicide. His rep says he has been battling depression as of late, likely stemming from his long history of Bipolar.It just goes to show you that anyone can be fighting a battle and not show signs. That depression and mental health affects everyone, from the ‘little guy’ right on up to a beloved star. That no matter how many people love, respect and admire you you can still be dragged down into the darkness that is depression. That no matter how many people you have surrounding you they still may not see how truly depressed you are inside.How, no matter how many people you have in your life you can still feel entirely alone.

Like most mental health disorders, Bipolar & depression aren’t just something you “get over” or “snap out of”. It’s not something a person can control. It’s much, much deeper. So when I see things being posted like that it was his fault because he didn’t seek help I see red. When I see comments like “didn’t he know how loved he was?” I cringe. How do you explain to people who don’t know what it’s like. Of course he knew he was loved, but when the darkness consumes you like that there’s no seeing the light or the love, there’s nothing but darkness. Imagine being so consumed with a feeling of darkness that you can’t think of any other way to end it but to end your own life.

This is the life many people live with, silently. A daily struggle they deal with. Fighting every day to find a hint of light in the darkness.  Sure, some days there is more light than dark, but there is almost always some dark, and some days that darkness is overwhelming. You try to fight it because you know that the light is amazing, and that in it are people who love you, but it’s exhausting. Some days you believe that you can overcome the depression, that you can eliminate the darkness, and some days you honestly feel like you have, then it comes back full force and you realize it’s nearly impossible. Over time you learn to pretend there is more light than darkness because that’s what people would want. People don’t really want to hear about the darkness, or if they do they don’t really know what to say or how to help, so you pretend. You put on a smile and hide behind the tears of a clown.  Fake it until you make it becomes your reality.
It works for a while too. Sometimes longer than others. Sometimes, unfortunately, the darkness wins,no matter how hard you fight.

I can only hope that as the world loses such an amazing human being we find a way to turn this into a positive. That this can open the door for more discussion on mental health. That this opens peoples eyes that this can & does happen to anyone, and that it’s ok to seek help.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
-Robin Williams (Dead Poets Society)

If you are depressed, please reach out to someone – anyone.
Don’t let the darkness win, no matter how hard it seems to get out of it.